A lot of my searches over the years have been to try and help me understand how to be gay. I know that's ridiculous sounding to most people, like me, who like the same sex, but I've really struggled with it. I struggled with it when I was younger because I forced it under, telling myself I was actually straight, "it was just that one girl."
Anybody feel me yet? Hope so!
Lesbian relationships were a foreign thing to me, even though I dreamed of it all the time. Great dreams for sure! I was always the more manly of the two in them, which is a complete reversal for me in real life. Oh well, like I said, great dreams!
There were a lot of things I had to learn about myself before I could admit I was full fledged homo and not, "bisexual," as I referred to myself for years. I really hate the labels anyway. I love people. Particular people. I married my ex for the sex (though the penis thing bothered me). Dumb move, I know, but I was young and trying to force myself to be straight. I'm sure a lot of you (if anyone is reading this) can relate to having a family where being gay is still not okay, and you feel, deep down, that being straight is in your best interest in order to blind yourself to the fact that if you were you, really you, certain people you love would break your heart by seeing you differently and pulling away.
More on that sob story later. I intend to cover the thing that everyone looks for on this earth. The thing I was "hunting" for and found. A relationship that makes a person genuinely happy. Call it advice if you want, but it's a formula that has worked for me and I believe will work for anyone. The problem with every relationship is, it's hard to know if you've finally found the right one. (I'm about to talk about relationships in general so feel free to skip this part for now if you want, but if you're like me, and your web search led you here, read on.)
How to know? Questions to be asked on the spot: does the person you love, love you as much as you love them? I didn't say the same way you love them. That's something entirely different. But do they prove their love to you on a daily basis in their own way? Or is the problem that you don't love them as much as they love you? The formula does not work if both people do not honestly love each other mutually. You are different people, of course, but if the love is there, the rest comes from the work you put into it. Love is more than your attraction to them, though that should be there. It doesn't take a lot because I have found that the more you learn from that love, and their love for you, the more you find them attractive. Just because a relationship didn't start the way that you thought it ought to, doesn't mean that you should throw in and go back on the hunt for that sultry, steamy romance. Those are fine too, but sometimes, as I found out, those fizzles stop being so fizzly, the mist clears, giving you your first real look at the person next to you in bed, and after the "oh shit, I married/with a moron," moment you realize you are totally disappointed with their personality. Now when that happens to you, run! Run fast because you will never be happy with someone you don't really love and respect. To be truly in love means that you really would give a piece of yourself if it meant keeping them here with you just a little bit longer. It means that their happiness really is more important than yours. The reason it works out well is because they see you in just that view as well. When love is equal, there might be bumps, but there is willingness to compromise. Without that willingness to give up some of yourself, there is no relationship. This is all relationships. So yes, I'm gay and I had to learn how the whole "being with another girl" thing actually works, but I had to learn that larger lesson before I could be happy with anyone. My searching experience didn't really lead me to anything like this, so I'm wondering if there are other lesbians, similar to me, but not looking for that "Daddy, boi, bald dyke, etc..." experience. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I appreciate our differences, it's just not the type of lesbian I am.
That's what I want to talk about some of the time. Other times I'll be a parent and feel the need to share the things that every parent finds amusing about the developing mind of their child.
There will also be days that the government will really ticks me off (mostly always) and I'll need to go on a rant about our taxes, or the fact that we contribute to the holding of the 34,000 immigrants the government confines ALL THE TIME (don't quote me on the number), that the illiteracy rate in our nation is worse than every other nation on the planet (no idea what it is, but it seems that bad), or how my father, who is 60, is dating a woman half his age (she's 31) while going through a divorce with another woman who is half his age. Do people never learn? (I have quoted Dazed and Confused, the Matthew McConnihay-no idea how that's spelled! Sorry Matt, love your movies-line about him getting older and them staying the same age, many times).
It's whatever comes to mind, really. If anyone actually reads this and has a topic of interest, bring it up, maybe that'll be good material. If I don't know what it is, I'll probably look it up, and then find an opinion about it. It's what I do.
Lastly, I want to be a writer, so feedback is helpful.
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